The Journey of Abuse and Power: The Release of Our Abuser/s

May you have the strength to be soft with yourself during times of deep healing. I hope these offerings give you a little bit of peace. Remember this is for you and your heart.

In the final post of her 3-part series, Nina Endrst drops into the heart of a dark but all too common matter. Abuse. From subtle to extreme. To begin, to move through and out of these patterns and relationships – because you don’t have to stay. You are worth so much more and you are stronger than you could ever imagine.

Abuse comes in many forms – unfortunately most of us have been exposed to either the physical or emotional kind. It’s all wrong. Even the subtlest abuse can be extremely damaging, especially by the hands of those we trust. My hope is that this series has opened your eyes to the varying degrees and circumstances surrounding abusive behavior – and left you with some tools to step into your power and begin the healing process.

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Middle school was hell. In the first few days I linked up with two girls who were filled with darkness. Drastically different from those I was typically drawn to. It was as if a switch had gone off inside me — just like that I pushed my real friends aside and lost myself. It seemed easier somehow. I don’t remember our first interaction, maybe they were nice in some way, but they showed me exactly who they were – bullies. My gut told me to run but I wasn’t strong enough, then. Every moment spent with them went against who I was at my core. They taunted me regularly, didn’t want me to do well in school or hang out with old friends. They constantly put me down, insulted my family – one night they actually prank called my home after finding out my Mother had cancer. I remember the shame that washed over me — how could I associate with these monsters? Call them friends?

It felt wrong and sometimes dangerous when I went over their houses – and my stomach would drop every time the phone rang if I knew they were on the other end of it. My mind racing – what had I done? For what could they possibly be angry at me now? The anxiety was palpable, and it was constant, yet the lengths I would go to defend them were truly staggering. Why did I think I needed them? I remember feeling like I was drowning but found it impossible to push me to the surface.

It took a long time and a lot of work to forgive the way I treated myself and other people during those years. I wasn’t nice and deeply regret letting my pain and insecurities affect others. I knew it was more than teenage angst I was attaching myself to. Sure, some of it was standard rebellion, but deeper than that was this feeling of brokenness that I recognized in them, too. I felt so unworthy of my true friends and of love in general. I couldn’t find a way to even like myself, so these toxic relationships felt right in all the wrong ways.

Although both girls were cruel, the two were drastically different. One, let’s call her A, was so deeply neglected by her family, it was tragic. Her Father was in jail, brother was a drug addict who was extremely abusive, and her Mother was never around – often out with some sketchy man (one in particular I knew firsthand had sexually abused A.) When her Mom did show up, she would either berate her children or disappear altogether into some booze- or drug-induced haze. I didn’t have the emotional maturity to completely understand – but I knew the little girl A was not evil. I often gave her passes when she said or did hateful things. She didn’t know better and I thought if I tried hard enough I could fix her or at least keep her safe, sometimes. She was traumatized from an early age and hurting people was all she knew of home.

The other one, let’s call her M, was more complicated and 20 years later I still believe she is/was comprised of darkness. Her family life was bleak, but she was cared for in a way that would probably pass as “normal” to most. My Mother hated that I was friends with her and I knew she was right, but at 13 the last thing I was prepared to do was admit that. Her parents were ignorant at best so her emotional education was rooted in mean-spirited “humor” and “the other” mentality. M was not like A — she was obviously hurting but she had this extremely dark energy about her that I could never shake. Her behavior was calculated – she was a master manipulator and used A and I as pawns in her game. I watched her rejoice many times after making someone cry or cower in her presence – being around her made me physically ill but for 2 years I couldn’t escape it.

One day I decided enough was enough. M threatened me on the phone as she often did and instead of begging for forgiveness, I simply said goodbye and hung up the phone. That memory is clear as day. I was having no more of that sh*t.

On the other side of every abusive relationship is an opportunity to forgive and release — not so that person is absolved of guilt or excused from anything, but solely for the purpose of freeing ourselves from their shadows. Every toxic word that’s left their lips and landed in our energy field sticks until we face and actively release it. It can be truly painful to face and rebuild shattered pieces of self. Most of us suffer in silence and it’s quite easy to go unnoticed because inner space is only felt.

May you have the strength to be soft with yourself during times of deep healing. I hope these offerings give you a little bit of peace. Remember this is for you and your heart.

Forgiveness / Cord-cutting Meditation

Come to a seated position or lie down on the earth and close your eyes. Visualize yourself in a calm environment, surrounded by water or trees. Try and feel your bare feet touching the earth or submerged in water, whatever is most healing for you. Protect your energy by visualizing a hard egg-like shell surrounding you from crown of your head down to your feet and all around your body. Take a moment here to breathe and then invite someone who has hurt you into this space. Ask them to stand at a distance. Visualize a long heavy chain that connects you two at the waist. Now see yourself cutting the chain in half, sawing through it if need be and watching as the other person floats away, no longer part of you, no longer connected. Forgive and release so your body and soul can start to heal.

Toxic Waste Removal

Just because you cannot see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. The words and actions of others have a profound energetic effect on our systems. If we want to live without pain that manifests into disease we have to remove the toxic waste. Try energy/body work, Reiki, breathwork. (My favorite breathwork guide’s name is Pepper Monroe.) Try intentionally moving rage, unresolved sadness, guilt, shame – anything that is poisonous — out with the intention of freeing yourself and moving forward with love and acceptance. You did nothing to deserve this.

Goodbye Letter

Maybe you never send this, but maybe you do. The point is not to speak directly to your abusers but instead to cut the cord and let them sit with themselves. They can choose to get help or not, they have to decide what they’re willing to work through – we cannot fix or change people. Write everything you never said, every word that was never spoken. Stand strong and be as vulnerable as you need to be. Include all the limiting beliefs about yourself, the reasons to stay, the reasons you believe you don’t deserve more than this. Then safely burn it. Sit, close your eyes, breathe deeply into your belly, tell yourself I love you. You are worth more. Scream at the top of your lungs or into a pillow – let it all come out of you. It is not yours to hold. Be free.

Follow Nina here. Lead image by Mitchell Hoffmaster.